Why You Should Never Give Sonic Coffee
by Silverexorcist
Summary: Never give Sonic coffee. It could be the last thing you do! Pure Crack fic.


"Hey Shads; what's up?" Shadow put down his newspaper, and turned to find none than his speedy blue rival, Sonic the Hedgehog.

The ebony hedgehog raised the newspaper back up, "What do you want, faker?"

The blue hero put his arm around the artificial hedgehog. "I just want to race."

"That's what you always want." Sonic pouts, and looked on the table in front of them. A steaming cup of black liquid stood on the table. The cobalt hedgehog picked up the cup, and sniffed the liquid. _I wonder what this is, _Sonic thought to himself, and took a sip. His ear twitched as the hot liquid ran down his throat, and he found that he liked the taste. Shadow looked up from his paper when an unusual silence came from the normally talkative hedgehog. The ebony hedgehog almost screamed in terror as he saw his rival down the entire cup of his coffee.

When Sonic finished his coffee, he dropped the Styrofoam cup as if in slow motion. An uneasy silence enveloped them, and Shadow slowly set his newspaper on the table. He got up from his seat, and very slowly walked over to his rival. "Hey, Shadow." The ebony hedgehog froze. "I don't feel too good. What was in that cup?"

"That was coffee, faker. You should just go-"

"WEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sonic jumped up, and flipped the table over. Shadow yelped, and jumped out of the way of the flying piece of furniture. The ebony hedgehog landed on the ground, and was about to get back up when a blue furry body landed on top of him. "Hmm, your chest fur is sooo soft Shadsss. It's not fair that you and Silver have them but little cute me doesn't." Sonic cuddled into Shadow's chest fur and sighed in content.

This, however, did not go well with the ebony hedgehog. He kicked Sonic off him, and he went flying across the ground. He slid across the pavement like an ice skate would on ice. It was only his luck that he stopped underneath the red dress of a certain pink hedgehog. "Hey, Amy, why aren't you wearing any underwear?" The pink female squealed and pulled out her famous piko piko hammer. She swung the gigantic mallet, and hit the poor blue hedgehog like you would a golf ball with a golf club. Sonic went flying. "Hey! I can see my house from here!"

Shadow sweat dropped at the performance and followed after the cobalt hedgehog. He had long ago lost sight of the blue hedgehog in the blue skies above and was solely relying on the soft 'weeee' the other was screaming as he flew through the sky. Shadow finally noticed Sonic falling down from and the sky. He sweat dropped when he saw where the cobalt hedgehog was going to land.

Silver the Hedgehog was minding his own business when a blue furry body crash landed on top of him. "Gah!" They both ended up in a position where Sonic was straddling the poor albino hedgehog and Sonic started to glare at him. "What?" Silver asked.

Sonic's eyes traveled downward, "Chest hair~." Silver went into shock as the cobalt hedgehog cuddled into his chest. "It's so not fair~. Why do you and Shadow have this and I don't?"

"Get off me! Take this!" Silver uses his telekinesis to shoot the cobalt hedgehog into the sky. He held him there as he got up from the ground and dusted himself off. Shadow walked up to the two.

Sonic, meanwhile, was doing summersaults in the air. "Weeeee!" He stopped and looked at the albino on the ground. "Shiny! Sparkle, sparkle! Pretty white guy! Shiny! Sparkle!"

Silver and Shadow look up at the crazed hedgehog in the air. "Racist!" They say at the same time. Sonic blinked once and continued with his summersaults.

Shadow turned to Silver. "What should we do with him?"

The albino hedgehog sighed. "Let's take him back to my place."

"A turkey ate your face?" Sonic yelled overhead.

"We're taking you to my place!" Silver yelled back.

"You're taking me to outer space? I've already been there! A giant plant guy tried to eat me!"

Shadow stepped forward; he was getting tired with the useless verbal match and decided to add his two cents. "We're taking you to his house, faker!"

"You're baking mouse liver? I don't think that's healthy!"

Shadow and Silver sighed and gave up. "Just give up, Shadow. It doesn't matter if he knows we're taking him to my house, anyways."

"You're taking me to your house? Why didn't you just say so?" It took everything that ebony and albino hedgehogs had not to kill the still summersaulting hedgehog overhead.

*Back at Silver's house*

The albino hedgehog placed the crazed Sonic on his couch and walked over to Shadow. "What should we do with him?"

"I'm going to call Tails and see if he can help us with this… problem." The ebony hedgehog grabbed the phone sitting on Silver's side table and called the two tailed fox. Minutes later, he put it back down on the receiver and turned to Silver. "Well, that's done. Tails will pick him up in a half hour." Shadow looked around the room. "Ahhh, Silver? Where's Sonic?" They both go wide eyed as they see the cobalt hedgehog nowhere in sight and take off to look around the house.

A few minutes later, Silver called out. "I, ahhh, found him, Shadow!" The ebony hedgehog raced up the staircase from where he had heard Silver and his eyes widened at the scene he saw.

"You like what you see, Shadow?" Sonic twirled around and the ebony hedgehog froze. Sonic was wearing a red Chinese dress and actually looked happy wearing it. "Because I think I look very sexy." He blew Shadow a kiss.

"Silver?"

"Yes, Shadow?"

"Why do you have a dress in your closet?"

"It's Blazes! It's not mine at all!" A sheepish look crossed over Silver's face and Shadow looked about ready to kill everyone in the room.

"Why am I surrounded by crazy people? Why do you hate me god?"

"Ohhh, Shadow is having an emo moment." Sonic cued and hugged the artificial hedgehog. "Don't worry! Hugs make everything better!"

You could practically see the flames that surrounded the ebony hedgehog at the moment. A click sounded through the room and everyone froze.

*Minutes later*

Silver had managed to grab the handgun from Shadow by using his telekinesis and he was currently placing it in his trash bin. Sonic was tied to a highchair; his chest was wrapped with ribbon and was tied around the chair. Shadow didn't even want to know why Silver had that long piece of ribbon in his bed side table.

Sonic swung his legs back and forth against the chair and looked at Silver. "I'm thirsty."

The albino blinked. "Okay." He walked over to his fridge and looked inside. "I only have soda for drinks."

"Do you have any Sprite?" Shadow asked.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Give him that; it doesn't have any caffeine in it."

Silver grabbed the desired can, and handed it to the cobalt hedgehog. He grabbed it and bit the bottom of the can. "It won't open!"

Shadow grabbed the can away from Sonic and pulled the tap on top of the can. The ebony hedgehog felt something cold hit his body and he looked down. When Sonic had bit the can it had created a small hole and the ebony hedgehog was being hit with the clear liquid.

Sonic bursted out laughing. "It's peeing on you, Shadow!"

"Sonic…" Shadow's eye twitched.

"It's pissing on you! It's pissing on you!"

"If you don't shut up I'm going to wring your neck!"

"Shadow is pissing his pants! Shadow is pissing his pants!"

"I'm not even wearing any pants, faker!" Shadow couldn't take it anymore and knocked over the chair that Sonic was sitting in. He gave a yelp at the sudden attack, and then continued on his rant of 'Shadow is pissing his pants.' The ebony hedgehog ignored the crazed cobalt hedgehog and turned to Silver. "Can I use your shower?"

"Sure; it's the last door on the right." Shadow nodded and walked down the hallway. He entered the bathroom, took one look at the pink bikini hanging from the shower and walked back out. Silver saw the other hedgehog heading back and asked. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just going to hose myself off in your backyard."

Silver shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Shadow entered Silver's backyard and grabbed the garden hose. While he washed himself off he noticed that Sonic had gotten free of his bonds. The cobalt was currently bouncing up and down using his spin dash. "Weeee! Bong, boing!" The crazed hedgehog was even making his own sound effects.

"Oh, Sonic~." Shadow was still hosing himself off when Tails arrived at the scene. Sonic stopped his bouncing and looked at his little brother. A large smile was on the small fox. "I have a present for you~"

"A present!" Sonic raced over to the two tailed fox. "Gimme!"

"Here you go~" Tails held up a needle even larger than himself. "It's only sting a little. Now come here." Sonic epped and ran out of the backyard. "Come back here, Sonic!" The small fox yelled as he followed after his sibling.

From that day forward Shadow decided never to drink coffee ever again… Or, at least, not when Sonic was around.


End file.
